Long Time No See....Me

It has been 5 years since my last blog post...and unfortunately after reading through my old posts not many things have changed in my world, which makes me even sadder. I started writing blog posts as a way to get my feelings out. That's what they say don't hold it in, don't keep it bottled up inside it will kill you with stress. So this is my attempt to not die of stress...I am in this relationship with my husband of almost 20 years and I am so unsure of what my next move should be that it quite often brings me to tears. I love him, I love him a whole lot and probably incapable of not loving him. But at some point you have ask yourself WTF am I doing. I am a good wife, I do all the things necessary to make a home and I work a 12 hour day everyday to provide those comforts at home. So to find out that the man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with is creeping around on me, hurts and it hurts bad. I don't know for sure if he is having sex outside of our marriage but I do know that he is very disrespectful with his time and attention. To sit in our home, the home I made for us with all the latest comforts and text and talk to some other chick is disrespectful to me and the marriage. I keep asking myself WTF are you doing, why are you here?

It comes down to two answers. 1) I am afraid of who and what's out there, would I get someone worse that what I already know. 2) Fear. You see one and two are exactly the same but very different fears. I am not sure what the future holds anymore. I thought on our 20th anniversary that we would have a huge wedding with all of our friends and celebrate all the ups and downs and be able to laugh out loud at the downs. But the truth is I am not fully sure if what we have can survive, because right now in this very moment that's all I am trying to do...survive.