Sometimes...
I just don't understand people, I am pretty sure that I should have stopped trying a long time ago, but once again someone's actions or or non-action prompt a reaction out of me.
Is it that simple? I am here to tell you that....yes it is that simple.
My father died in December 2005, he went from a seemingly healthy 50+ man, to having died. Literally in a matter of hours, he was gone. That's because he was not healthy, his wife knew it, and that's it. No one else - it wasn't until it was too fucin late - that the information began to flow freely.
Not to mention, that my Dad was living with me and my family up until he passed. The shyt hurts in a way I never felt before. I can't express it with words, sounds or actions how deeply in pain I feel right at this very moment.
More than six months ago, and yet it feels as if it happened this morning. The more I think about it - the more deeply in denial I go. I feel like any minute he will walk through my door and fuss at me for not calling him in a week, he will tell me how good my fish is (he loved my fried fish), and we would laugh out loud about something that happened in 1979. Not that I was there to see or hear it, but when he told you a story, you believed that you were there when it happened. Yeah, he was my father.
My relationship with my youngest brother has suffered since my Dad passed, at one point it was all I could think about and I didn't want us to be on bad terms, especially since we lost the one person that held us all together in the first place. I tried to call, I invited him over so we could hash out any issues that could be on his mind...he never came or called.
So it was about two months ago, that I decided fuc him. Yep I said, not taking it back. Fuc him.
My mind, heart nor my soul will allow me to dwell on this situation one more fucing second. I have not heard or spoken since the funeral. Oh well.
Why? I can't tell you why. If he never had a conversation with me, that meant that he didn't want to and in a sense has already told me fuc me.
I had to take the focus off of him and put it back on me. Each day the pain subsides a little more, and the bad memories are replaced with peaceful memories. Sometimes....
Disclaimer: Don't call the authorities, I am not crazy. Just trippin a little bit right now.
Is it that simple? I am here to tell you that....yes it is that simple.
My father died in December 2005, he went from a seemingly healthy 50+ man, to having died. Literally in a matter of hours, he was gone. That's because he was not healthy, his wife knew it, and that's it. No one else - it wasn't until it was too fucin late - that the information began to flow freely.
Not to mention, that my Dad was living with me and my family up until he passed. The shyt hurts in a way I never felt before. I can't express it with words, sounds or actions how deeply in pain I feel right at this very moment.
More than six months ago, and yet it feels as if it happened this morning. The more I think about it - the more deeply in denial I go. I feel like any minute he will walk through my door and fuss at me for not calling him in a week, he will tell me how good my fish is (he loved my fried fish), and we would laugh out loud about something that happened in 1979. Not that I was there to see or hear it, but when he told you a story, you believed that you were there when it happened. Yeah, he was my father.
My relationship with my youngest brother has suffered since my Dad passed, at one point it was all I could think about and I didn't want us to be on bad terms, especially since we lost the one person that held us all together in the first place. I tried to call, I invited him over so we could hash out any issues that could be on his mind...he never came or called.
So it was about two months ago, that I decided fuc him. Yep I said, not taking it back. Fuc him.
My mind, heart nor my soul will allow me to dwell on this situation one more fucing second. I have not heard or spoken since the funeral. Oh well.
Why? I can't tell you why. If he never had a conversation with me, that meant that he didn't want to and in a sense has already told me fuc me.
I had to take the focus off of him and put it back on me. Each day the pain subsides a little more, and the bad memories are replaced with peaceful memories. Sometimes....
Disclaimer: Don't call the authorities, I am not crazy. Just trippin a little bit right now.
1 Comments:
Sorry to hear about your dad. But you know what? Remember him. My dad died when I was seven and to this day I still wonder sometimes what would be different had I grown up with him around.
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