Sometimes Wrong is Right

You know the famous saying two wrongs do not make a right, true but three left turns will make a right :-)

I am so confused and tormented right now that I am trying not to make decisions based on the raw emotions I have right now. I want to feel normal again and feel like my life has a routine. Work is nowhere were I want to be, so should I try to find a new gig or should I stay and deal and know that I have some level of security.

My relationships whether it's with my husband or my son is in turmoil. So I have decided to not focus on any of it and put my focus on having "fun" with a friend of mine. I have known this person for a very long time 10+ years. I know it does nothing to repair my relationship with my husband and I have not taken one step to repair my relationship with my son, but when I am there with my friend having "fun" none of it matters. It is a 2 hr vacation the only kind I can afford right now.

I am staying prayed up, I am talking to GOD in the midst of it all. I am asking for clarity and resolve and peace. I feel a major transformation happening, and I just pray the people that I love the most will it around once the transformation is complete.

Stressed Out

It seems to be so much drama right now, that I can't even see past all the bs. Between the cheating and lying from my husband to my son has lost his place to live and may have someone pregnant. I quit.

Resignation

I hereby offer the following resignation....

I will no longer be the sounding board, the liar board or the bullshyt board for you.
I will no longer have the feeling of being unworthy
I will no longer allow you and the person you call your cousin to dictate my feelings
I will no longer pretend to be weak while feeling stronger
I will no longer allow you to perpetuate your brand of truth onto my positive vibe.

Taking time out to focus on the one thing that actually matters...me.

Today is...today

Yesterday was a rough day. Lots of tears and lots of imminent fears. So with that behind me I face today. A little stronger and lot taller. I love him that won't change, but the love I have for myself has to change. Only a person who does not full respect his or her self and filled with insecurity and regret could allow this to go on. My feelings, my fears can not change the path he has chosen for himself. So I set him free. I told him if its meant for us to be in a healthy marriage and be loyal to each other it will be, but the flipside of that statement is I have come to be ok if that does not happen. Yes it will hurt, it will be the very undoing of me in some way, but after all of that it will no longer be yesterday but today.

Long Time No See....Me

It has been 5 years since my last blog post...and unfortunately after reading through my old posts not many things have changed in my world, which makes me even sadder. I started writing blog posts as a way to get my feelings out. That's what they say don't hold it in, don't keep it bottled up inside it will kill you with stress. So this is my attempt to not die of stress...I am in this relationship with my husband of almost 20 years and I am so unsure of what my next move should be that it quite often brings me to tears. I love him, I love him a whole lot and probably incapable of not loving him. But at some point you have ask yourself WTF am I doing. I am a good wife, I do all the things necessary to make a home and I work a 12 hour day everyday to provide those comforts at home. So to find out that the man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with is creeping around on me, hurts and it hurts bad. I don't know for sure if he is having sex outside of our marriage but I do know that he is very disrespectful with his time and attention. To sit in our home, the home I made for us with all the latest comforts and text and talk to some other chick is disrespectful to me and the marriage. I keep asking myself WTF are you doing, why are you here?

It comes down to two answers. 1) I am afraid of who and what's out there, would I get someone worse that what I already know. 2) Fear. You see one and two are exactly the same but very different fears. I am not sure what the future holds anymore. I thought on our 20th anniversary that we would have a huge wedding with all of our friends and celebrate all the ups and downs and be able to laugh out loud at the downs. But the truth is I am not fully sure if what we have can survive, because right now in this very moment that's all I am trying to do...survive.

I really want to punch you in the throat....

Two years ago (May 23, 2005) I wrote a post about the murder of Pat Tillman, the NFL player who left the league to join the Armed Forces. To say that I was enraged then does not compare to the rage I have now, after reading all of the news articles and hearing folks TESTALIE(testify, for the slow folks). Can you please tell me when the fuc will someone hold the govt responsible for the shyt they do? I have the IRS in my azz right now, b/c they claim I owe them money, they have been on me like fresh meat in the pen. Where is the booty snatchers that should be chasing Rumsfield and the crew? I just want to know. I am sure the family of Mr. Tillman would like to know. I read in a article that the location of his wounds and the manner in which he died, could not have possibly come from enemy fire.

It took them two years to find that out? They knew that night, only for ppl to come out two years later to say, my bad, it was an accident. You have got to be fucin kidding me.

Public Service Annoucement

Hey Boys and Girls - today I am going to give you sure fire way to the top of the charts.

First go cop you about 10 lbs of weed, then go buy you a hot burner, then don't pay your tickets, cancel your insurance, then you just hop in the car with a loud azz system and go for a ride. Guarantee you will be arrested and when your cd drops in a couple weeks, you are going to be the hot shyt.

Umm......Lil Wayne, Ja Rule, Remy Ma and the next mofo about to do something so fucin stupid that you can't even begin to figure out why.............STOP IT!


Disclaimer: Apparently stupidity is contagious.