Well...

since my last entry - my brother and I have talked, not really about what the issue at hand is, but just talked. I am not quite past my fuc em' phase, but I am coming around. I will not allow anyone's action or inaction dictate the life I live.

The fact that he would listen to someone and not come to me for my side of the story still does not sit quite well with me, I am trying but I did not say I was a saint.

On to other news....I am going to Myrtle Beach for bike week and I can't wait, its gonna be so much fun. Somebody baby daddy gonna get pregnant by me.

Disclaimer: Figure that bullshyt out for yourself.

My Significant Other...

Me and that man have been together for 12 yrs- married for 11 yrs in June. To this day, I still don't understand him, I thought I stopped trying a long time ago, then once again he surprises me, because I find myself trying to figure him out. Some shyt you just don't need to know, is what I have told myself for over and over again (Sidenote - why is it that we tell ourselves shyt over and over again, like we didn't understand the first time) that I will not spend my time and energy trying to figure out what he is doing.

For years this man has told me that he is afraid to fly, for the same amount of years I have been trying to go to Las Vegas - so recently he celebrated a birthday, him, his man and their friends rented a limo and went out and did the damn thang. I am the first one to go get my party on, so I was happy that he went out and had so much fun. I didn't ask about the night, I didn't ask where they went, because I don't give a hot damn, even when he came home close to 5 in the mornin, I still ain't say shyt. Imma good wife huh :-)

So the week after, his man I will call him PAB, I might tell yall what that mean later, but us ghetto birds know what that mean, came by to say that he want to take my SO on a trip to Miami, all my SO had to do was pay for his meals and partying. By now you know me, I said hell yeah go, I wish one of my girls say some shyt like that - if you don't go - I will. We had this long talk about how he didn't want to fly, I am basically telling him - get the fuc over it - its gotdamn Miami! He decides he will go and they will leave the 3rd week in May.

Two days ago, my SO called and said they will be getting a limo to take them to the airport, so I am like cool, do yall thang, that means I don't have to take all them mofo's in my car. Then came the bone crushing blow that only my SO could deliver - THEY ARE FUCIN GOING TO VEGAS - NOT MIAMI!

Disclaimer: If my SO end up missing.....his man PAB did it.

Sometimes...

I just don't understand people, I am pretty sure that I should have stopped trying a long time ago, but once again someone's actions or or non-action prompt a reaction out of me.

Is it that simple? I am here to tell you that....yes it is that simple.

My father died in December 2005, he went from a seemingly healthy 50+ man, to having died. Literally in a matter of hours, he was gone. That's because he was not healthy, his wife knew it, and that's it. No one else - it wasn't until it was too fucin late - that the information began to flow freely.

Not to mention, that my Dad was living with me and my family up until he passed. The shyt hurts in a way I never felt before. I can't express it with words, sounds or actions how deeply in pain I feel right at this very moment.

More than six months ago, and yet it feels as if it happened this morning. The more I think about it - the more deeply in denial I go. I feel like any minute he will walk through my door and fuss at me for not calling him in a week, he will tell me how good my fish is (he loved my fried fish), and we would laugh out loud about something that happened in 1979. Not that I was there to see or hear it, but when he told you a story, you believed that you were there when it happened. Yeah, he was my father.

My relationship with my youngest brother has suffered since my Dad passed, at one point it was all I could think about and I didn't want us to be on bad terms, especially since we lost the one person that held us all together in the first place. I tried to call, I invited him over so we could hash out any issues that could be on his mind...he never came or called.

So it was about two months ago, that I decided fuc him. Yep I said, not taking it back. Fuc him.
My mind, heart nor my soul will allow me to dwell on this situation one more fucing second. I have not heard or spoken since the funeral. Oh well.

Why? I can't tell you why. If he never had a conversation with me, that meant that he didn't want to and in a sense has already told me fuc me.

I had to take the focus off of him and put it back on me. Each day the pain subsides a little more, and the bad memories are replaced with peaceful memories. Sometimes....

Disclaimer: Don't call the authorities, I am not crazy. Just trippin a little bit right now.